Sexual Games

Blaugust 12th


A question on the mind of every gaming adult should be: where’s the good sex in my games?! I, for one, am excitedly waiting for it to happen. Some games try ….most games don’t. It seems games struggle to capture the awesome of sex when they include it. At best past games awkwardly mimic human physicality, but fail to deliver the heat,passion and sensuality of a sexual moment. It’s usually portrayed as either porn or as a joke in games with rare exception.

Larry has managed to become the poster child for sex in video games.

Larry has managed to become the poster child for sex in video games.

After wondering where all the sex was, I decided to do some digging into the video game past to see how it’s been done in games I never played. Leisure Suit Larry probably popped in mind for some of you even if you never played it, but video games don’t really have a history with sex. Games just generally don’t do it and mostly never have. I’ve never played Larry, but from what I’ve seen and read it’s the adventures of one bachelor as he tries to bed various women in the game. So this isn’t really an exploration of sex so much as a simulation of how the dating game is supposed to work in real life for men (granted, with humor and sarcasm).

Following various links from Wikipedia I discovered Cobra Mission (NSFW), a sexual adventure for DOS described on the wiki as a Hentai game. It featured lots of combat and the mechanics for having sex were the same as for knocking out bad guys …and let me tell you. I’ve had sex and I’ve punched bad guys, and I have to say …the former is nothing like the latter physically or otherwise. So this sounds like a bizarre game with terrible sex to me.

Some of us wonder if games can actually deliver something genuinely romantic and sexually arousing, but the answer is obviously yes. If novels can make us swoon and invest emotionally with mere ink on paper, surely games can do much more to our senses. But how? And why have games not done this yet?

Bioware: They really, really try.

Bioware: They really, really try.

To be fair, games in America appear to be the real prudes of the industry. Japan has an entire sex game industry by the looks of it, where games of sometimes dubious and downright harmful quality routinely publish sex and outright porn. I don’t have a lot of experience with these games so I can’t say that they haven’t created some good ones. But in America that’s different. We breakdown every piece of entertainment into two categories: porn or prude. There are some political factors making it difficult to develop games with mature sexual content, but mostly it’s just not something developers seem to care about. We get cheesy romance, porn, or nothing. Yet capturing sexual excitement with immersive play seems almost destined for an interactive medium like games.

I’d even argue that seduction is already a game that humans love to play. I won’t speak for others, but those moments, words, stolen glances, smiles and feelings that seduce us are 90% of what’s awesome about the sex that follows. It’s the game that gets many of us excited about the prospect of locking lips and hips. The act of sex is sometimes the endpoint, but not always. Seduction is great on it’s own.The question is whether video games can execute this sequence of seduction which doesn’t need to involve sex itself. This to me seems like a simpler task than trying to make a sex scene non-awkward and meaningful to the player. When we think about it, this is what makes romance options in games like Dragon Age fun. While the sex scenes that follow are funny at best, the act of pursuing romance is actually exciting for players.

When I play Diablo 3 I feel like I'm slaughtering real demons. This game feels great to manipulate. Maybe Blizzard should make a sex game.

When I play Diablo 3 I feel like I’m slaughtering real demons. This game feels great to manipulate. Maybe Blizzard should make a sex game …on second thought …

I think we have to stop thinking of the buttons or the d-pad as the main input device for connecting the player with the act of sex. When that happens the game reduces the act to button presses and directional combos, which is an easy error to fall into. Instead, I think a focus on the kinaesthetics is the key to pleasurable and more realistic sexual encounters in games. If the game can just connect the player with the feel of sexual excitement, it’ll have done everything games have failed at in the past by  moving sex away from a mechanical act and toward a more sensual act where it belongs.

I tried to browse through the dozens of erotic titles listed on Wikipedia and one thing I learned is that sex in games has been done a lot like how sex is handled in magazines and movies. It’s treated as the subject of porn almost exclusively and developers don’t seem to view sex as mature content existing outside of pornography. Of course, games like Mass Effect and Dragon Age do a great job of trying to portray sex as an act of romance and passion, but those scenes are super rare. They’re exceptions to the norm. That says something non-flattering about the way game designers view sex as an act. This could be because of their own awkwardness with the subject, though I’m sure the technical limitations to our understanding of sex in a virtual environment don’t make this a simple task. But what these types of games lack is that sensuality that’s integral to a sexual experience. Remember: wet dreams don’t have controllers either and often lead to orgasm without so much as self-touching. It’s all in the sensations produced in our imaginations. Games in the future could contain sexual adventures unlike we’ve ever experienced!

For now, we seem doomed to simplistic portrayals of awkward sex scenes but hopefully we’ll get better at those, and it’ll lead to baby steps toward that sensuality some of us want to experience in games. Still, how hard can it be to portray sex as a dignified act between consenting adults who desperately want to fuck each other? I’d wager it’s just a matter of developers and gamers viewing sex as mature, not pornographic content.

Rape Culture and Consent

This is a follow-up to the article I posted the other day about Max Temkin. Some have taken the time to dissect the responses by Max and Magz. But if there’s a silver lining in this, it’s that there’s an authentic discussion happening right now about consent, mostly with ourselves as we try to sort out our past. Many men are asking themselves if they’ve raped. They aren’t sure any more.

I spoke with a number of people since then about the topic and I also got to ask questions and also give answers. I wanted to share those questions and answers in this post to keep the discussion flowing and help make it as productive as possible. While the questions that have been asked seem to mostly come from cisgendered males and females, what follows applies to any human being engaging in sexual relationships regardless of gender. Also, this is going to be a longer post so I’ve tried to break it into sections to make for easier skim reading. Still, context is everything.

What Is Consent?

The question of what consent looks like is popular, especially among men I recently talked to about it. But there were even women who asked me the same question. I think this speaks volumes about the state of sexual relations in our societies that consent can’t be easily known or understood. The answer to the question is entrenched in definitions of manhood and female virtue (purity/virginity). As a society, we tend to view consent as a mystical concept, one shrouded in romance. The man will know when to make the right move, the woman will resist to protect her virtue, the man will persist and eventually win her over. They’ll both find themselves overcome with “consent”, or at least this is the mythology surrounding it.

The problem with a culture as prudish as ours is that talking about sex is never seen as the solution. Men and women are supposed to know what to do, and both of them should know without having to talk about sex. Talking ruins the moment. “The moment” is supposed to just happen naturally. And “natural” is the whole sequence I describe above, where instinct is supposed to dictate what happens next. In this framework, consent isn’t even part of the sex equation. Men have it no matter what, and women are always seen as acting the part of the virgin .

So it’s really no wonder so many people are wondering “well what is consent?”,  so many young men asking “how am I supposed to know?”. It betrays a cultural mindset about sex in which consent is just a discussion to be had after the fact.

But I’d argue consent is essential to sexual well-being, for all of us who want and enjoy sex. For the typical male, it doesn’t feel good wondering whether she wanted it or not. For women, it’s devastating. And all it takes to spare both from this torture is for them to have a conversation about sex. Simple. It erases all questions of consent.

I’m going to go on a limb and state that you can’t have awesome sex without consent. So much of what we enjoy about sex is bound up in the pleasure of the other. In our society, men are raised to be ignorant of this. We are taught that the most crucial elements of sex are hard-ons and ejaculation. If those two things happen, then things went as they should. We’re never told about the pleasures of consent, of being pursued,the sweetness of seduction and the satisfaction of being with someone you respect and who also respects you. These things can never be taken. They have to be given. Sex is infinitely more satisfying when these things are present.

I wrote not long ago about what consent means to me, which you can catch up on here. To summarize,in no particular order, I wrote that (among other things) consent is:

  • Seduction. Wooing and being wooed is a satisfying game of sexual tension. It piques sexual interest.
  • Temporary. Giving consent today doesn’t mean I give it tomorrow. It doesn’t even mean I’ll give it in the next 5 minutes. We’re free to change our minds at any time.
  • Respect. People are moody and consent may not be a simple yes or no. It’s complicated. But if you seek their satisfaction and respect their autonomy, you can’t go wrong.
  • Patience. We’re not always ready to have sex, even when we want to have sex. Just because I want it doesn’t mean I must give it.
  • Trust. No one would give themselves willingly to someone they don’t trust. This can only happen when you value their well-being as your own.

These things are all very inter-dependent if that’s not obvious already. You can barely have one without the others and trust is the main barrier to sexual intercourse.

Part of the excitement of eventually having sex with someone you like is going through these motions with them. You rile each other up, rouse sexual interest, make promises and delay delivery; give and then take, or even just giving (having sex to satisfy your partner even if you don’t crave it yourself). Consent is complicated, but it’s the key to healthy and fulfilling sexual relationships. I’ll take that even further and say that sexual satisfaction is only achievable with consent.

What if She Doesn’t Say Yes or No?

“What if she just let’s it happen, without protest, without physically resisting? Isn’t that the same as telling me to get on with it?” If you’re asking these questions, I’m really glad you’re interested in the answers. But I’m afraid you’re missing the point.

Consent isn’t the absence of no. It’s also not the absence of resistance or protests. Consent also isn’t the presence of a “yes”. Let me explain.

A woman isn’t a prop. You don’t insert coins and wait for a “yes” or “no” to pop up before proceeding. She’s a person. Instead of seeking a yes or no, ask her how she’s feeling. Ask her what she wants to do. Tell her what you want to do, how you’re feeling. Put simply, respect her.

When we lose control of our bodies or our autonomy is being challenged, we’re no longer speaking on behalf of what we want, but on behalf of what we think we need to do to survive a situation. What she might say if she didn’t feel pressured, coerced, or threatened is different than what she might say when she feels comfortable, respected, and safe. Having some guy breathing down her neck and using his strength to gain an advantageous position isn’t the best of circumstances to let him know that you don’t want him touching you. How vulnerable we feel in the moment is kind of important and men who would ignore this in order to pursue a simplistic yes or no are rapists in waiting. They need to re-evaluate their approach. Most importantly, they need to NOT engage in sexual acts until they understand their partner’s wants and needs.

I’ll go further and say that not doing so shows a criminal mindset, no matter how benign the intentions may seem. If you’re thinking of the situation as “what can I get away with”, consent doesn’t matter to you. If you’re playing the consent game with “what if” scenarios about dubious “yes” or “no” responses under varying situations, you’re missing the point. Consent is about taking care of your partner by respecting their vulnerability and not putting them in a difficult situation. It’s your responsibility to seek consent throughout the process, not just at the start.

On the flip side, it’s important for the woman involved to communicate her wants and needs as well. As long as both parties have control of their bodies and their autonomy is not being threatened, they have an equal responsibility to communicate their wants and needs to one another. But once one begins to dominate the space of the other, putting them in a position where they feel pressured or insecure, that person loses their ability to act autonomously. If you’re asking for sex from a position of advantage, whether apparent or not, you’re doing it wrong. Start over and balance the situation so you’re communicating as autonomous equals.

To give an example, I’m not a huge guy, but I’m tall. I understand that my height dominates intimate spaces. So I try really hard to make myself less imposing as the situation requires, knowing also that women are taught to make themselves smaller in the presence of men. Recognizing these kinds of things can help you safely navigate intimate spaces with one another, so that you’re both feeling empowered by the sexual encounter, not disempowered. This makes room for mutual consent.

But She’s Teasing Me!

It’s your nth date with a woman you find fiercely attractive. You’ve been seducing each other for weeks and you’ve even fooled around on a couple of occasions. But whenever comes to sexual intercourse, she turns you down. Then one night things are getting hot and heavy at your apartment. It’s 1 in the morning and all signs seem to indicate that she’s there for sex. But as soon as you try to advance it, she seems to lose interest. In fact, you can tell she’s trying to keep things right where they are – just some heavy touching and kissing. But you want more and you feel like she’s been leading you on. Besides, IT’S 1 AM.For what other reason could she be there? She knows you want to have sex …right? I mean you haven’t outright said it but IT’S OBVIOUS …right? Should you get more aggressive? Maybe that’s what she’s waiting for! For you to take charge, maybe that turns her on. You decide to try it and while you meet a very faint hint of resistance, overall she seems to give in to you. You never hear a no and while she’s not resisting, she’s not exactly prying your pants off either.

This is dangerous territory and this guy may well be on his way to raping. If you’re wondering abut the nature of a sexual act after it happens, then you’ve probably done something wrong. But could this have gone differently?

You notice she’s not quite embracing you as you advance to undressing her. She’s not saying no either and overall she’s not pushing you away. It looks more like hesitation, but you can’t be sure. Even though it’s 1 am and even though you’re both laying in the dark together in your bed, you’re not feeling your passion returned. Instead of advancing the situation, you ask her what she wants and you let her know what you want. You decide that unless she shares what’s on her mind, you should just keep things where they are without advancing to intercourse.

Consent should never be ambiguous. You should always know with certainty.

Yes, teasing can leave you frustrated and horny. Some people will lead you on and never deliver. That’s their perogative. At no point does teasing and leading entitle you to sex. Never.

On the upside, teasing can be exciting, even if she never sleeps with you. The key is for you to accept that sex is highly unlikely, and then move on.

Consent in Hook-up Culture

Consent is complicated. There’s no 10-step program to achieving consent from your partner. I think when we look at it as a means to an end, nothing good or fulfilling can come of it. In some cases, it can be devastating. Even when hooking-up for a single evening, it doesn’t require disrespecting your partner. People can be sexual creatures, they can want sex without wanting anything else from you. Plenty of people have learned how to have sexual relationships without betraying trust or disrespecting their partners.

Consent is intuitive when you think of your partner as a human being and respect their autonomy. Objectification makes it difficult to see each other that way. In our culture we look for exterior details to turn us on, so maybe a typical guy is only looking for women wearing clothing that grabs his sexual interest. When he approaches her, he’s less likely to care what she says unless her words are “let’s have sex”. He looks at her clothing as an advertisment of availability. We’ve all heard the horror stories that result from this mindset.

At the same time, men and women are allowed to dress sexually provocative, are allowed to send messages with their clothing. The problem is that we look for clothing to do all the talking, to do all the messaging. We forget there’s a human in there and that we should talk to them first. There’s nothing wrong with liking what she’s wearing – but you should respect her all the same. She’s not her clothes.

People hook-up all the time, so it’s not like people can’t pursue sex without a permanent relationship. But even temporary relationships require trust. Any kind of relationship requires trust (and there are many layers of trust, which I won’t get into here).

In the end, we’re dealing with people and we shouldn’t forget that.We have to treat consent with the same high regard that we treat our desires for sex. I think so much of the ambiguity of figuring out consent is the implicit assumption that we’re not dealing with a person who can talk to us and explain their sexual wants to us. If you’re not sure, it’s as simple as asking and starting a conversation about what you both want, need and like.

Scree Tags: #sex #rapeculture #consent

Male Power Fantasies in Gaming

This is another relevant throwback article I wrote a couple years ago. It’s always funny to read my old self. I’ve learned so much since then, but there’s still some good information here so it’s worth reposting. In fact, I’ve updated the whole thing. There’s also a link to the original article if you want to have fun watching me change. EDIT: Some pictures didn’t properly display. Also, it appears some edits didn’t get properly transferred over. My mistake. I’ve recovered them.


My purpose here is not to show how males are exploited or are victims of something. The broader culture is structured to reward males for their conformity to sexism such that even while their presentation is problematic, men are the clear beneficiaries. In this article, I want to  examine those presentations and respond to some of the most vile defenses of them. I’m targeting men, but I think any reader can gleen an idea or two from what follows.

Something We Have to Know About Ourselves to Understand Our Fantasies

I’m not going to explain “Not All Men …“. We’re all intelligent creatures, yeah? This is directed to whom it applies. All men can learn to question their interest in fantasies, especially the power and the sexual ones, which are often intertwined in the imagery of games. Receive this only as an opportunity for personal introspection, not an attack on your person.

wow_alexstrasza_by_gooloo0_o-d32edoqSo who is this picture really painted for? Why is it painted in this way? I have my own theory. It goes like this: the artist, especially if male, is painting for a male audience. His goal is to idolize sex itself. The woman is simply a necessary element to demonstrate his heterosexuality. If he could do it without painting a woman, he would but most male artists are never this clever and creative. They opt for the woman. She’s an obvious marker of heterosexuality to other men, so the art will read easily with a male audience. Next, the sex. Sexualized images of women focus on the big two, tits and ass, to help men fixate to get it up. If her back has to be contorted and her breasts immeasurably large, then the more sexual the picture is. When it comes to sex education, men learn that their erection is the most important component. The harder, the better. To get it on rock we must fixate our minds on something that turns up the intensity. We learn to do this so we don’t embarrass ourselves when the moment comes. When the moment comes, we want to prove our manhood — be as hard and erect as humanly possible. You just can’t get there pre-sex without fixation.

Back to the art work: so the focus on those two essential parts of a woman’s body aren’t really about the woman. They’re about demonstrating manhood, proving to peers that you too know the secrets to a good hard on. That’s what all winking, nodding and loud approvals are about. It’s got nothing to do with the woman. She’s invisible. The painting is of breasts and buttocks. This is objectification incarnate, a literal object in human form. She’s been completely reduced out of humanity in the name of erections and manhood.

avengers-posing-like-womenAs me and my closest friends got older, we had some very revealing conversations about our actual sexual tastes. Chief among them was that it wasn’t boobs and bottoms that did it for us. One friend couldn’t resist long hair — he later learned he liked it on men as much as women. Another liked high pitched voices. Boobs and bottoms were nice in the moment, but they were not essential to the physical attraction. I suspect this is true for most men, that our tastes vary and that any given picture of a sexualized woman isn’t actually our thing — but we can never publicly say so for fear of the relentless shaming. It’s much easier to just go along to get along.

Women are only tangentially necessary to prove male heterosexuality, a checkbox on the list of Masculinity. The less like people they are, the better because it’s not about demonstrating our love of women, but our solidarity with other men. Remember: men don’t get points with other men by being loving. We get the respect of other men by being emotionless, hard, tough, and, most of all, heterosexual. Sexualization of women in games is primarily about homosociality among men. Masculinity is a performance men do for other men and in which women are only a prop.

Normality

By making fantasy depictions of women normative, sexism remains part of our daily mode of operation. This mostly goes unexamined and unquestioned, and that’s key to the perpetuation of it. It’s not just a few sexists in an otherwise non-sexist society, which would be easier to fix. It’s institutions that reproduce it. So remember this when you hear the following arguments:

  • There’s no such thing as sexism. The argument goes that since no man in the vicinity has qualified the alleged sexism (only they can be trusted to identify it), sexism is a myth. Men and women act the way they were born to act, that this lopsided relationship between them is natural. Cries of sexism are just women acting emotional, as is their natural condition or some variation thereof.
  • Sexism without sexists. This argument accepts that sexism actually exists, but no one anyone knows is sexist. Your friend isn’t sexist, you aren’t sexist, you haven’t seen sexism in the work place, it’s not happening in your games, and on and on. The supporting arguments for this are that sexism is ONLY when your grandpa tells your grandma to get in the kitchen (but even that kind of sexism is ok because it’s natural), that sammich jokes are funny, and that chivalry is Good for Women. There are no sexists. This ultimately has the same implications as the first argument.

It’s supposed to feel like things are just normal. That’s what structural problems feel like: Normal. That’s what makes them difficult problems to address. Normality means acceptance, even if what’s happening is wrong or negatively impacting certain groups. Normality means status quo, “that’s the way it is”. It means those who benefit from normalcy are blind to it (the privileged).

Our Complexity Reduced to XY

In fantasy art, men have motives, problems, goals and dreams, and a strong sense of justice. We bring the law because heroes are the law — they cannot be corrected and they are the solution to every problem. We’re complex, complicated, multi-dimensional characters dealing with fate. We’re capable and competent, trustworthy and loyal. We epitomize everything that’s worth redeeming about mankind and that’s an important message of the fiction: men represent the reason everything is worth redeeming and we are there to correct things. And people.

On the other end though, our heroes are shallow, ever the revenge driven patriarch out to protect us from ourselves. Socialization teaches us that these are innate features of male biology, the emotional under-development and drive to violence. And as they say, when you’re a hammer everything is a nail. Male violence is always justified as natural and righteous.

In the end our complexity is reduced to biological rage that’s channeled into the role of lawbringer and protector. So much of the “development” of male heroes is in explaining why their violence is righteous. In the end, our complexity is reduced to a chromosome which we are slaves to, the opposite to that in-control hero we project in our fantasies.

The Art of Heroism and Absence of Heroinism

Superman Male Power FantasyAesthetically, what’s attractive about the superman is his confidence and power. His posture and physique exude it. This is what men are supposed to aspire to: strength which grants confidence that commands respect. The fantasy images aren’t for women (again, women aren’t even important to the artist), but for men. It’s rare to encounter images that are created to celebrate female heroism.

The art of the male and female hero is about inspiring power in men. Male hero figures are all about strength. It’s a fantasy about power. The female figures are also about power …sexual power for men (imagery that inspires erections, which is a symbol of our potency). Sexualization is actually about sexualizing male power. Again, the woman is merely a prop in this process. She’s not important.

Heroes are natural born leaders. That’s why most of them are men. Our place as men is at the front, to dominate because that’s what heroes do (“it is natural for men to lead”). Media messaging for men tells us that we must aspire to these things, because they define true manhood. Every man is taught to pursue true manhood. We cannot fall short of these expectations or else we risk being ostracized, shamed and having our man card revoked.

Remember those words “be a man”. What do they mean? These images are attempting to draw that out for us.

Of Women and Redemption

Through it all, the messaging in our fantasy tells us that men, as in males, must be redeemable, no matter what.

Masculinity is power, and power is attractive. The women in these games want these heroes because they’re strong, powerful figures. Or at least that’s the narrative. The sexual aspects are subtle, but present. The images of men are rarely sexualized in the same way that women are, but rather their power is sexualized. It’s a kind of balance to maintain the humanity of the character. Too much focus on raw power, and you’re the bad guy; too little and you’re as useful as the female characters.

Kratos Male Power FantasyLet’s look at Kratos from God of War. There’s a moment in the game where he lays Aphrodite, tames the goddess in her own sanctuary. Aphrodite is the prop and the scene focuses instead on Kratos sexual prowess. It’s another opportunity to put his power on display. Was it his body she was attracted to as is the case with men and female imagery? No. In the end, Aphrodite is written up as a nymphomaniac, his superb physique significant only inasmuch as it eroticizes his strength. It’s the power he radiates that she lusts after, that makes him a real man. She’s been waiting for a real man for so long, she tells him. Kratos is a real man, his power absolute (this is why he can sleep with a goddess). Male sexuality is not about sex, but power. This is just another way we know that sexualization is about masculinity, disguised as femininity (enlarged breasts, hips, facial features, make-up, and weakness …Aphrodite is all these things and more).

But there’s a price for this mascuinlity. While Kratos’s entire story is built on his quest for power, at times we’re not sure if he’s the hero or a villain, but this contradiction still humanizes him. He’s a man who’s descended from the gods with the power to take even them to their end, even death himself. Over the course of the series, Kratos is a destroyer and in the end of the series his character is offered as a sympathetic figure. A fragile man reaching for godhood, a rejected god reaching for manhood. Yet he spends all of the first game destroying gods for personal satisfaction. He murders his wife and child in his blind lust for power and suddenly, a man who’s spent his entire career destroying others is presented as deserving our compassion.

These new, divine dimensions of character make him more worthy of redemption than before; men must be redeemable the game tells us. He’s come to see the blood on his hands as a curse …and he yet continues to bludgeon every god until the world is no more and nothing is left. Yet by the end of the series, Kratos is transformed from destroyer to redeemer. Men can act in this self-centered manner and we still have to forgive them because, as the narrative tells us, men are the solution. He emerges a god who grew into a better man. That should be a familiar tale for most of us.

The Darkness PicIn the end, we know Kratos’s whole story. He’s not just an abstract figure players don’t care about and he’s not just some power-hungry warrior with a great body. He’s complex, yet shallow. He’s perfected directing his anger to the point of a blade, but he’s just not there emotionally. In fact, when he encounters emotions we find him in the game lost on a black road amidst total darkness. His quest for power has reduced him to nothingness.

Having Our Cake

Game designers believe that we really identify with this sort of thing. They count on it. It’s not so much that they think this applies to all guys, but that they know all men are bound by the same oath of silence to never speak about it. Our task is simple: nod and approve of the cleavage and hips served up in our fantasy art or be ridiculed. Men are supposed to approve of the Kerrigans, Laras, Camys and Aphrodites. Kratos isn’t the only character to be built on male power fantasies.

The values our games espouse exist within a cultural context that reinforces positions of privilege for some and positions of inferiority for others. Every character is made for us, every image made to appeal to us, and we get a lot of variety. We don’t have to want it or ask for it.

Male power fantasies, as an idea, aren’t bad. There’s nothing wrong with being male and enjoying fantasies of these kinds. Modern fantasies come at the expense of everyone but men, though.  Sexualization of women is done for men and men are done for men. It’s all about us and that’s part of why it’s such a big topic in games and fantasy. By all means let’s have male power fantasies, but do we have to throw women under the bus in the name of them? Do we need to be the center of attention? Must everyone be defined as though we are the center of the universe?

Do people other than ourselves matter?

It helps to understand exactly what we’re talking about when we speak of power fantasies for men, and who it’s actually about. There’s no separating them from the harsh realities of traditional manhood which help construct them. It’s OK to chose differently and it’s OK to seek the approval of women, not just men. If we did that a bit more, perhaps we’d get our sexy fantasy art that’s about women instead of just power.

Original Article: http://www.trredskies.com/male-power-fantasies/

Scree Tags: #malepowerfantasy #sexualization

Men Should Consent to Sex

I wrote this for an awareness group I attend and I want to share it with my gamers! As ever, I think gamer spaces are one of the most important places to share these kinds of things because there’s so much stigma and narrow-mindedness in these spaces that it stifles maturity, growth and serious conversation. Please be warned that I’ve never published anything on my blog as descriptive of sex as what I do below. However, I would still rate it PG.


Xbox Sexpad

Oh the things you can do with 2 joysticks …

Let’s talk about sex. Specifically, the kind of sex men like and dream of. As a man I’m going to disclose some of my personal experiences with sexual consent and what I’ve come to understand about it. I want to tell other men: Don’t look at consent as a way to prevent rape; that’s like looking at assault as a way to prevent murder. Consent is about engaging in provocative, seductive, mutual and open sexual acts. It’s the launchpad for that erotic trip to the moon; it is the only way from down here to up there. Just like that big silver button on this Xbox controller, consent is the first step to turning on the game and having the time of your life.

You probably think I’m going to talk about receiving consent from my partners. That’s usually the form discussions about consent take on: men need to ask women for consent to sex. And yes, that’s important too. It’s the only kind of sex I find enjoyable: loud, specific, demanding desire and volition from my lover. Because how can I know she really wants me if I don’t understand her fantasies and if she never tells them? I want her to say yes, and I want it loud and proud — not just with her voice but her body and explicit instruction. Where does she like it, how, when …hearing, seeing and feeling these things lets me know shes not merely saying yes, but enthusiastically inviting me to share an adventure with her. But I digress …

What I really want to talk about today is the consent I give. Now that’s an unexpected twist, isn’t it? Men don’t talk about giving consent because it’s supposed to be a given in our culture. Men always want sex, right? Our lovers don’t need to ask, or so we are lead to believe. This is just another myth used to reinforce the idea that men don’t need anything because we don’t feel anything. This leads to having our feelings trampled underfoot to meet the requirements of masculinity. But our sexual power isn’t in our ability to take from others or to give freely of ourselves when we’d rather not or as if we have no emotional stake in it. Our power is in shamelessly expressing sexual need and emotional desire. The emotional prohibition of masculinity is what makes us believe we consent by default and that we can’t say no because doing so is emasculating. I’m here to call bullshit and reclaim my sexuality for myself. If you enjoy great sex, you should too. And you should start today by actively consenting to your own sexual desires. This can enable you to see consent not as permission, but as essential to your own sexual fulfillment.

As a gamer, nerd and geek, as an ordinary member of this community who has been stereotyped as the impotent, weak, whiny, and effeminate loser …I have to confess: I like when my lovers ask for consent, even though it may play into those stereotypes in the eyes of some. It’s a feel-good kinda thing when that happens, being explicitly sought and wanted. Nerds are not used to this kind of attention so I welcome it. Consent becomes confidence and self-respect, the power button on my console that gives my joystick purpose and makes pressing buttons exciting. It feels different when someone you like, respect and find attractive lets you know that they want you without you being required to initiate — as men are taught to do. As a group, we rarely get to enjoy this side of sex and romance because of it. But it feels goooood. Crave this attention and bask in it when you receive it. It is the first step towards truly consenting to sex with another.

What is Consent?

There are different kinds of consent and one-size doesn’t fit all — just like condoms, cuffs and harnesses. Consent starts early, as soon as the two (or three or four) of you begin romantic dating. Sometimes I want to be teased or even abused along the way. I might say no just to add intrigue to the game. I may say no and then yes, or yes and then no — and I’m entitled to change my mind. I want my lover to play along while I figure out exactly what I want. More importantly, I want her respect my commands. That’s sexy too and not just the power fantasy involved, but the mutuality; she wants to do this and so do I, but right now we’re in the rapture of seduction. Consent is seduction. 

Sometimes I want to do something weird or kinky with my lover. I’m allowed to have such desires and so is my partner, without fear of embarrassment or emotional harm. I’m not ashamed of my fantasies because they’re so good to me that I feel she might want to share in them too. We can test our physical and emotional boundaries in the sex arena (or the kitchen or wall or garden …) together. We can have a good time while we do, because we want this exchange of sexual creativity, even if we only wind up missionary, froggy or doggy. Maybe I want to try this outrageous fantasy with her tonight …tomorrow I might decide I hate it. Consent is temporary. Just because I give it now, doesn’t mean I give it later.

Then there’s the kind of consent that you gradually give, that you’re tempted into, that you acquiesce to, are lured to. Remember I mentioned that men are expected to do all the chasing? That idea isn’t just wrong, but harmful to us. I want to be chased, too. Maybe she really wants me more than I want her. Maybe I’m not in the mood or I’m not sure. Maybe I can see and feel that she’s craving a piece of me that she can’t get through conversation and kisses. She wants the heated breathlessness of my embrace. Eventually she could win me over and I’ll submit willingly and enthusiastically. I’ll give her my body to be satisfied that she’s satisfied. Satisfied that she respected me enough to ask, to pursue, to not judge my masculinity for not being on auto-pilot, to not treat me like she owns me –though that last bit can be sexy at the right time and place too. Consent is respect.

There are times I don’t consent or can’t; I’m not a machine. I get tired, my body can refuse to be interested, or any other number of reasons I simply don’t consent. In the back of my mind, I’m hoping her disappointment leaves the opportunity for a really promising sexual encounter later. I don’t have to say yes to her all the time just because I’m a man. It’s absurd to even expect this from ourselves or others. She may have to play alone for now, but we both know we have something to look forward to when I’m ready. Hopefully she’ll be ready for it too. Consent is patience.

We are all at our sexual peaks when we are consenting creatures. There’s no sex like consensual sex. And guys: you can consent too. You don’t owe anyone sex and you’re not obligated to be a sexual beast due to gender or chromosomes. You can say no and say yes. And you know what? I think you’ll find the secret to satisfying sex and fulfillment of your deepest fantasies lies in understanding and seeking active, passionate consent.

Respect + Trust + Seduction + Patience = Consent

Men can consent just as women can, and we’re missing out on exciting sexual events when we disengage or treat it like a license. Consent is also self-respect, so men should get to know their own feelings and desires about sex. It’s not just about knowing your own fantasies, but knowing that your fantasies include an additional living, breathing, sexy creature; that the fantasy literally requires their investment. Don’t aim so low as a mere “yes”, but strive for a partner that actively and overtly shows they can’t wait to have you. If the consent you receive is equivalent to engaging in a conversation with an NPC or if you feel like you could have the same amount of consent from a rubber doll (passive; the absence of a no and the lack of a yes; she’s willing to be a prop in your orgasm, but not participate, etc), re-evaluate and start over. From the top. You WANT to be wanted and desired and this is the only way to achieve it.

Indulge the seduction and suspense; aim for mutual desire, not just permission, by sharing fantasies. Even say no sometimes just to turn up the heat.

Consent isn’t about rape prevention. It’s about having the sex you really want.